yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We talked him into tasing himself.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
