a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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