3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
