I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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