I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
