We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
