I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
