the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
