my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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