I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
