I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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