I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
