if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Randomize
