Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
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He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
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I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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