I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
