It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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