Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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