whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
