my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
