When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
