when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
