He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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