Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
