So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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