I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
