I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
