where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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