if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
accomplished twins. life is a go
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
