Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Houston, we have a squirter
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
