mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
