I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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