I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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