Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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