She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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