my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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