I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
