I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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