carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
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you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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