fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
