Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
