You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
