trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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