My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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