Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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