you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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