no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
