you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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