I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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