i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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