You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
