just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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