He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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