matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
