So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
