I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
