I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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